My somewhat eternal imbalance

Recently, I have been constantly thinking about my writing, I've not written in over a year, only just started the blog posts and the English Alevel I do so far has not been very creative and is structured on the characters from the pays/novels we study but lately as I do have been reading other blogs such as http://theperfectpiece.org.uk/ and Media Diversified ( amongst others) as I saw my name to indicate I had been logged into something so I assumed it was Wordpress and clicked on it and saw a blog I made, I think I have quite a few blogs floating in the fascinating world of the net (internet for you so & so people ) and I started reading a post which gradually started to feel like I was reading a poem and I was so surprised by what I was reading and at the end realised I wrote it because there's this bit a bout a crack and I vividly remember a crack in a pavement and there was this one like I kept regurgitating in my head so I assumed yes it was me who wrote this piece and I was surprised at how "okay" it was, like it's hard to explain and at 01:25 in the morning comprehension is above and beyond in the untouchable midst. Oh, and I have an assessment in science tomorrow so I'm a bit dazed but! < not even syntax appropriate but mind appropriate so yeah even the name of the blog I liked and I decided that I'm going to keep this blog and add bits of the other blog because I actually like it , if it was a stranger's blog I'd send it to my friends, if that made sense. I am in no way trying to praise myself to be very honest but here is the poem. (I also just realised I end poems and blog posts very badly perhaps in a hurry? Note to self for improvement)

So this is my poem called tring to fnd me


As I wonder in the spot,
I try to think of what is not,
I try to understand what is what,
But I just can’t seem to get past what it was.
As I wonder why I struggle to breathe;
wonder why I struggle to see
wonder how we struggle to be
I understand it's not for me ... to be
Ensnared by questions…
If? Why? How? You? Us?
I know it’s not me but you
Yet I know it’s me.
The entangled broken web of
of denia'

Surrounded by shatters, every step I cause a crack
A crack in the formation of bitter sweet endless joy
An appearance of endless deceitful truth
As I try to see…
I notice the change in me
I plead it’s not my fault, I repeat how it’s all your fault
Desperate cry for an end.
This
is
just
not
going
to
work.
So as I fight a losing battle to find me,
I know it shall always be.

Let me know what you think xx

Some observations

I originally wanted to post once a month however I have just finished exam season. HURRAY! So yeah I'm going to be realistic even though once a month is such a low standard to meet, I think it might just be too high for me so whenever I can I will, maybe we might eve have 5 a month :)

It’s always easy to say to your friend “Love yourself”. For example, they come to you complaining about the non-existent flabby arms and the exaggerated amount of acne apparent on their beautiful face. So, as a “good” friend you sigh, smile and tell them “No there’s nothing there.” “It’s all in your head”. “No you’re so beautiful”. “I wish I had your arms” The positive responses are endless. All so they can feel better and realise that they are not imperfect. But at some point those are just words. I truly don’t know how you can tell someone to love their self. I don’t know how you can make someone feel 100% in their skin especially if you don’t feel 100% in your skin.

Do you know, there’s this mentality which most girls believe that our parents say we are beautiful because they have to & love us, our friends say it because well, they’re our friends and a support system. I feel like most girls have a deep desire for the boy of their dreams to look sincerely in their eyes and whisper sensually (perhaps) “you re the most beautiful girl I have ever laid eyes upon. There is no one in this world that comes close to you, not Beyoncé, Kim Kardashian not even Miss universe!” But that is extremely unrealistic but we love living in our idea of realism and sometimes it’s perfect. Come on, which one would you choose?! The reality where a boy describes you as “buff” or a scenario where he says “Miss Universe has nothing on you” I for one will choose the latter. However, this unrealistic expectation is what makes us sad and self-conscious. It never helps with page 3 models and porn stars and playboy models conveying unrealistic ideas of women to men.  But, constantly searching for approval and gratification in men makes us vulnerable and susceptible to heartbreak and being treated like we are worthless leading to us feeling self-conscious and well, becomes a menacing cycle which is extremely unhealthy.  How can you expect someone to love you unconditionally beyond all measurement when you don’t even like yourself? You can’t appreciate your worth so why you are you surprised when Tyrone (or Luke?) treats you’re like worthless rag.  You need to find yourself before you find your man. I know I’m spewing all this (maybe) advice but I certainly don’t how to follow it, which refers back to the beginning of this post. I could easily give the speech of a life time to help a friend feel better but to make myself feel better? I don t know. But I do know that I am not ready for a relationship due to these factors and I’m always scared for insecure girls my age or younger who are in relationships especially with someone older because how can you trust that person will not exploit you with your weaknesses and flaws.

I believe the perfect way to find you is to find yourself in God. J The love God has for you cannot amount to any love on this plane, not even your mother’s love. People I know who are truly and utterly obsessed, in lover and devoted to God are secure in their perfect imperfections and all of their flaws.

How do you love yourself?