My somewhat eternal imbalance

Recently, I have been constantly thinking about my writing, I've not written in over a year, only just started the blog posts and the English Alevel I do so far has not been very creative and is structured on the characters from the pays/novels we study but lately as I do have been reading other blogs such as http://theperfectpiece.org.uk/ and Media Diversified ( amongst others) as I saw my name to indicate I had been logged into something so I assumed it was Wordpress and clicked on it and saw a blog I made, I think I have quite a few blogs floating in the fascinating world of the net (internet for you so & so people ) and I started reading a post which gradually started to feel like I was reading a poem and I was so surprised by what I was reading and at the end realised I wrote it because there's this bit a bout a crack and I vividly remember a crack in a pavement and there was this one like I kept regurgitating in my head so I assumed yes it was me who wrote this piece and I was surprised at how "okay" it was, like it's hard to explain and at 01:25 in the morning comprehension is above and beyond in the untouchable midst. Oh, and I have an assessment in science tomorrow so I'm a bit dazed but! < not even syntax appropriate but mind appropriate so yeah even the name of the blog I liked and I decided that I'm going to keep this blog and add bits of the other blog because I actually like it , if it was a stranger's blog I'd send it to my friends, if that made sense. I am in no way trying to praise myself to be very honest but here is the poem. (I also just realised I end poems and blog posts very badly perhaps in a hurry? Note to self for improvement)

So this is my poem called tring to fnd me


As I wonder in the spot,
I try to think of what is not,
I try to understand what is what,
But I just can’t seem to get past what it was.
As I wonder why I struggle to breathe;
wonder why I struggle to see
wonder how we struggle to be
I understand it's not for me ... to be
Ensnared by questions…
If? Why? How? You? Us?
I know it’s not me but you
Yet I know it’s me.
The entangled broken web of
of denia'

Surrounded by shatters, every step I cause a crack
A crack in the formation of bitter sweet endless joy
An appearance of endless deceitful truth
As I try to see…
I notice the change in me
I plead it’s not my fault, I repeat how it’s all your fault
Desperate cry for an end.
This
is
just
not
going
to
work.
So as I fight a losing battle to find me,
I know it shall always be.

Let me know what you think xx

Some observations

I originally wanted to post once a month however I have just finished exam season. HURRAY! So yeah I'm going to be realistic even though once a month is such a low standard to meet, I think it might just be too high for me so whenever I can I will, maybe we might eve have 5 a month :)

It’s always easy to say to your friend “Love yourself”. For example, they come to you complaining about the non-existent flabby arms and the exaggerated amount of acne apparent on their beautiful face. So, as a “good” friend you sigh, smile and tell them “No there’s nothing there.” “It’s all in your head”. “No you’re so beautiful”. “I wish I had your arms” The positive responses are endless. All so they can feel better and realise that they are not imperfect. But at some point those are just words. I truly don’t know how you can tell someone to love their self. I don’t know how you can make someone feel 100% in their skin especially if you don’t feel 100% in your skin.

Do you know, there’s this mentality which most girls believe that our parents say we are beautiful because they have to & love us, our friends say it because well, they’re our friends and a support system. I feel like most girls have a deep desire for the boy of their dreams to look sincerely in their eyes and whisper sensually (perhaps) “you re the most beautiful girl I have ever laid eyes upon. There is no one in this world that comes close to you, not Beyoncé, Kim Kardashian not even Miss universe!” But that is extremely unrealistic but we love living in our idea of realism and sometimes it’s perfect. Come on, which one would you choose?! The reality where a boy describes you as “buff” or a scenario where he says “Miss Universe has nothing on you” I for one will choose the latter. However, this unrealistic expectation is what makes us sad and self-conscious. It never helps with page 3 models and porn stars and playboy models conveying unrealistic ideas of women to men.  But, constantly searching for approval and gratification in men makes us vulnerable and susceptible to heartbreak and being treated like we are worthless leading to us feeling self-conscious and well, becomes a menacing cycle which is extremely unhealthy.  How can you expect someone to love you unconditionally beyond all measurement when you don’t even like yourself? You can’t appreciate your worth so why you are you surprised when Tyrone (or Luke?) treats you’re like worthless rag.  You need to find yourself before you find your man. I know I’m spewing all this (maybe) advice but I certainly don’t how to follow it, which refers back to the beginning of this post. I could easily give the speech of a life time to help a friend feel better but to make myself feel better? I don t know. But I do know that I am not ready for a relationship due to these factors and I’m always scared for insecure girls my age or younger who are in relationships especially with someone older because how can you trust that person will not exploit you with your weaknesses and flaws.

I believe the perfect way to find you is to find yourself in God. J The love God has for you cannot amount to any love on this plane, not even your mother’s love. People I know who are truly and utterly obsessed, in lover and devoted to God are secure in their perfect imperfections and all of their flaws.

How do you love yourself?

Are you happy with yourself?

I honestly cannot imagine living in a house, in a society where I have not been encouraged to be the best in all things I do. I honestly cannot imagine my mother helping me with my homework, my father getting me a tutor in maths. I honestly cannot imagine my family constantly telling me to work hard for what I want. I honestly cannot imagine being encouraged to be the best in all things I do. Unfortunately, not everyone is encouraged to achieve what might be deemed as impossible. Not everyone is supported to be the best they can. I could summarise my next few sentence but why don't we read the lyrics provided by Beyoncé in Pretty Hurts "You're a pretty girl.

What's in your head, it doesn't matter

Brush your hair, fix your teeth.

What you wear is all that matters."

I would like to believe I am a feminist, actually, scrap that! I hope I can one day say I a am a feminist and aim the right to do so. One day. However, as a 16 year old female, I believe that women should be treated equally, in EVERY way to men. Actually, I don't see why that is such a challenge. Listen, just because of my human body, one I did not choose however would not change, is designed for certain procreative functions does not determine that you are better at me. It does not determine my capabilities and certainly does not determine any way in which I must behave.

Yes, I know what the likes of Osmel Sousa think. That people who proclaim to be feminists are ugly and just want to be as beautiful as the models plastered across the glossy pages of Vogue and Elle and because they physically just cannot meet those prestigious standards are jealous and bitter. See, I also know all the people out there who believe a woman's place is in the kitchen. I also am very aware of the businessmen at the top of their games who continuously say that the pressure of the competitive world of marketing, institution and capitalism is not a place for women but WHY ARE YOU SUCCUMBING TO THE PRESSURE THESE PERFECTLY CAPABLE INTELLECTUAL WOMEN ARE PROVIDING DUE TO HEALTHY COMPETITION?

I mean a woman did not throw herself in front of a horse during the suffragettes for you to sit on a horse, half naked for the attention of a man who has no respect for.

Look, here's the thing feeling pretty, feels good. I have never seen a woman who does not enjoy a compliment here and there and if the whole world says you're pretty, Girl, you probably finneee!! Enjoy being beautiful. This is my opinion, if you are a woman and you have those killer curves or those beautiful enchanting eyes and you want to flaunt it. Flaunt it! But, are you flaunting it because you want to? Because it makes you happy? Or are you flaunting it because you have been trained to? Have you been told wearing the beautiful, hugging red silk dress is going to provide you a man, who will provide you a house? Are you walking down that catwalk half naked showing your beautiful body because you want to or because you can? There is a thread between the intentions behind what you are doing. Is it because it is making you happy? Are you going to be happy with the person you are going to be? Or are you doing what you are doing because you know no other way?

I admire women who are "pretty" and use their head to maximise what they can gain from being "pretty". Women who do what they do for their selves. Are you wearing that bandeau outside because you are dressing for yourself or to catch the eye of one Tyrone out there? What can Tyrone provide you that you cannot provide for yourself? Women like Angelina Jolie, so beautiful and talented yet with a passion for caring for others who society constantly rejects, and turns a blind eye. It is actually beyond heart wrenching that society will only listen and look when there is a beautiful face shining a light on what is deemed to be ugly. Yet, women like Angelina know that her beauty and her fame will make a difference because society will look, society will listen and society will make a small change because the face of Angelina Jolie was next to a sick child in the slums of India covered in dirt.

One thing that saddens me the most is how much superficial and shallow things make us happy. Perfect straight long hair; perfect straight white teeth. Straight has always been boring. Where is the adventure of straight? Bendy is fun! A curvy road is fun! Yes! There are bumps and imperfections and bits of rocks that are obstacles but jumping over that big rock was fun. Even though it was extremely hard to be able to overcome, it was fun and it determines what happens next. Straight is ongoing, it might be easier and less tiring but it sure as hell isn't fun nor does it make you happy. Why? Because it's BORING!

I know this post has a lot going on and is going from left to right, to right to left but that is because my posts come straight from mind and go straight to my hands, it is like an automatic response and my grammar might be imperfect but every time I posts something, it is purely because I have urge to talk to myself. Spoken discourse is never perfect and I don't want to edit that. I could if I want to but I am happy with these imperfections.

NEW YEAR NEW ME

So, let me take you though my thought process right now. I have a Biology exam tomorrow and I am extremely anxious, even thinking about it now is producing a swarm of butterflies! (are butterflies swarm?) Anyway, it is 2014! That is a big deal. 2013 was fabulous for me, I didn't achieve the grades I wanted but honestly looking back I didn't deserve them.. so this links to Biology tomorrow. Back to my though processes so I was on my tumblr... www.retro-funky.tumblr.com (chance to advertise my tumblr ;) reposting endless BEAUTIFUL pictures of extraordinary almost unnatural, unattainable objects and people; SO close to perfection it make me evaluate my life.. however I have come to an understanding that those pictures are not my goals as I have no desire to pursue anything in fashion or want an approval to be cool hence why I admire and repost. These pictures constantly side track me from my true goals and I just got to take control.

Okay. New Year New Me .. a title full of 1001 clichés. A title which evokes endless eye rolls. HOWEVER! I believe it is better to have a New Year New Me attitude rather than continue a new year without one. Reasons why:

1. New Year New Me enables you to re evaluate the previous year, you attain  small window where you can go through a range of emotions and cry and laugh and call up a friend and be like WHY WERE YOU SUCH A BASTARD! or call up a friend and say WHY WAS I SUCH A BASTARD TO YOU

2. You can set goal even if you are going to completely demolish them in the next 24 hours or so. My goals are some of the usual like, get healthier, be happier, achieve more, be successful, develop a closer relationship to God and be a nice person. (Sound familiar?)

3. You can let go of sooooooooo much BAGGAGE holding you back.

Overall, new year new me provides a mentality which can enable you to progress even if it is for only 24 hours.

I have probably skipped, jumped and hopped ideas and thoughts but Hi, my name is Loretta. Nice to meet you.

XO